When the Church Hurts

I picked up the phone to hear the voice on the other end say, “I reported you to Pastor Smith.” The words were cold and sharp. My heart pounded and cheeks warmed. With a lump in my throat, I continued the phone conversation as maturely and kindly as possible. As the conversation dragged on, I prayed; when I hung up the phone, I screamed. 

According to a Barna study, by 2019, 64% of millennials (my generation) who grew up in the church had left the church. A 2025 Lifeway study found 63% of American adults find private worship to be equal to attending church. An article on Faithit.com explains the millennial situation this way: “It seems all too often our churches are actually causing more damage than good, and the statistics are showing a staggering number of millennials have taken note.” 

Although that fateful day of the phone call was several years ago, at that time, I was the Women’s Bible Study teacher in my second semester of teaching. I love teaching the Bible, and talking with women about Jesus brings me joy.  I received a phone call from a lady who had not been attending Bible Study that semester, but was on my roster email list. One day, I sent out an email to the class containing a YouTube clip of a pastor sharing a clean, comical story that tied into our lesson that week. This woman’s disapproval of the individual in the video compelled her to report me to our senior pastor. She announced to me that she would now be coming to Bible Study.  

I wish I could say this story ended with clearing up any misunderstandings and amending hurt feelings, but the semester grew progressively worse. The assistant Pastor quickly chimed in and sent me email after email of “church correction,” saying that sharing a video of a funny story could lead women in the Bible Study astray – as if the heart’s desire of the current Bible Study teacher was not the total opposite of leading people astray. There were Bible verses quoted out of context, and there was no regard for me as a person or my genuine love of sharing Jesus. The cherry on top was an email sent out to my entire class of ladies (twenty-five women) and the church elders without my consent, or even my knowledge. We never had a face-to-face meeting. It’s easier to say hurtful things, hiding behind a computer screen. 

Am I alone? I wish that I were, but if you’re still reading, then maybe you’ve also had a shock to your system; the church didn’t act like the church we read about in Scripture. Friend, this breaks my heart. But what breaks my heart even more is the 64% – that so easily could have been me. It’s by the grace of God that I didn’t leave the church after such a painful experience.

Sundays truly used to be my favorite day of the week. However, after this experience and continual scrutiny, I began to dread church. Every Sunday, the atmosphere was suffocating for me. On Easter Sunday that year, my husband and I visited a new church simply because our church, heartbreakingly, was the last place I wanted to be. 

I had been hurt by people in churches before, but never like this. I believe a reason it stung so deeply was that I didn’t volunteer for a leadership role to get pats on the back; I volunteered because the strongest desire in my heart was (and still is) to lead other women to a closer walk with Christ. My little world was turned upside down. I began to question everything and dig deeply in my own heart to purge any pride or wrong thinking that may have caused the leaders to react so intensely. I lived out Proverbs 15:32, “Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence” by receiving wise counsel from others, including a pastor from another church.    

I know that the church is full of sinners because I am one. I’m daily aware of my need for grace because Jesus’ work of sanctification continues in my heart and mind day in and day out. I don’t have rose-colored glasses, and I never thought church was “perfect”. But what happens when you think church is the safe place, the haven from the outside world, and then it becomes the most hostile environment in your life? What happens when the church deeply hurts?

Thankfully, due to a job and location change, it was a convenient time to leave. But I failed at letting the pain just roll off my back. When we moved, I was so tempted to just “take a break” from church. Yet, as my frustration with God’s people grew, so did my compassion for those who had experienced church hurt. For the first time, I really understood how easy it would be to leave church behind. But that is not what God intended! We need to worship God in community, to be surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ, and to be taught and discipled by people wiser than ourselves. 

I can honestly say that it is only by God’s grace that I didn’t become one of the 64%. When we have a story of church scars, it’s important to keep going to Jesus to continually renew our hearts and minds into thinking His thoughts and having a heart like His. My years of growing deeper in love with Jesus and daily leaning on Him help me understand what abiding in the Vine truly means. Spending time in Scripture helps us to keep God’s Word in our hearts and minds. It’s insane what our knee-jerk reactions to pain can be (or at least mine was), especially when pain comes from the people who should be shepherding you instead of accusing and demeaning you. We need Jesus. 

We live in a broken and fallen world. The question is not “if” but “when” we are hurt by the church, how do we respond? Most of the time, we could never anticipate what kind of hurt we’ll face. I know the pain my situation brought me. But I also know my story is nothing like the depth of betrayal and pain so many have felt from their church. Our job is not to worry and strategize how to avoid pain. Our job is to continue down our path of clinging to Jesus and learning to truly abide in Him, as John 15:5 says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for apart from Me, you can do nothing.” 

My heart breaks for those who have left the church because of being hurt. My eyes were opened to see how very easily it could happen. When Christians don’t reflect Christ, it’s easy to get tangled and discombobulated. I came to a point where I didn’t want to have anything to do with many people in my church. I can say nothing but “thank you, Jesus!” that my opinion of them did not transfer over to my opinion of HIM. And it sends shivers down my spine to think that, yes, that all too easily could have happened.  

So, what do you do when the church hurts? Every story and experience is unique and different; however, we have a God who is big enough to handle our deepest pains and longs to be the healer of our hearts. But I would like to take a moment to encourage your heart with some things that helped me survive my final months in that very broken church, and gave me the courage to continue showing up at church, and continue connecting with my sisters and brothers in Christ. 

• PRAY. Prayer is The Most Powerful weapon we have against the Enemy. Romans 8:26, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”
• Get your battle buddy. I’m continually convinced that the Enemy thrives on isolation. We can be more easily wounded if we are alone on the battlefield. Surround yourself with people who encourage you, speak truth to you, confront you in love, and point you to God. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
• Spending time reading Scripture. Studying Scripture not only deepens your relationship with God-which is the ultimate goal, but also prepares you to be able to wisely navigate hurts.  John 15:4-5, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
• Memorize Scripture. There were several verses I memorized during this season including things like holding my tongue, not sinning in anger, praying for others etc. Scripture keeps me level-headed like nothing else in this world, and ladies, that’s how it should be! Ephesians 6:17, “…and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
• • If Biblical reconciliation is unattainable, leave your church, but find a new one. Just please, please don’t leave Jesus. Also, remember that we were made for community. Hebrews 10:24-25, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

  My friend, if you’ve experienced church hurt, let me extend a huge air hug to you. If your church is your favorite place to be, then I rejoice with you! Maybe this blog post can help you realize why perhaps some of your friends aren’t as keen on church as you are. If you have left the church and are reading this, then well, there is so much more I wish we could talk about. But for now, my prayer is that you would continue growing in your walk with God. Learn about Who Jesus truly is, and not the person “church people” so poorly reflected to you. I promise you that He is the greatest Person and Friend because He is Emmanuel, God with us, and He desires nothing more than to restore your broken heart. 

  Forgiveness feels unfair sometimes. But forgiveness opens your heart for God to grow you, mold you, and change you into becoming more like Himself. It took longer than I’d like to admit to truly forgive and be at peace with those who demeaned me instead of discipling me. Now I serve in Women’s Ministry again, and at times, I feel intimidated. But as I know the reasons why, more importantly, I know God has brought me this far, and I delight in greater communion with Him, and a deeper sense of love and service towards the women around me. I have learned that forgiveness, although necessary, was not something I could muster up myself, but a humbling, powerful, and joyful opportunity that allowed God to help me forgive! If church hurt is a part of your story, I pray you become set free from lasting angst as you choose to forgive. As Lysa Terkeurst powerfully explains, “My ability to forgive others rises and falls, instead, on this: leaning into what Jesus has already done, which allows His grace for me to flow freely through me (Ephesians 4:7). Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.”  

  Through God’s loving-kindness and His mercy working in my heart, I have learned and grown from my painful church experience. My prayer for you is that you will allow God to do the hard, but good work in your heart of learning, growing, and forgiving as well. When deep wounding occurs, know that it was never God’s plan, but He is the one who promises to make all things work together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28). Let us stand strong together in the faith, and please, please don’t leave even when the going gets tough.